I know that everyone wants to know what I, Todd Kuzma, think of the allegations of doping that have been made against Floyd Landis. The answer - I don't know. However, I do feel sorry for anyone who has been falsely accused. While you might be able to prove scientifically that someone was doping, you cannot prove that they were not. Once accused, there will always be suspicion. Plus, the accused always make the same arguments - their body naturally produces that substance, it was the result of some prescribed medication, there was an error in the test protocol, etc. So, when some actually is innocent, they sound like all the rest. How does the public know what to believe?
So, Floyd, if you are innocent, my thoughts are with you, bud. In any case, will you please call your mom? This has really upset her. Your parents are Mennonite, for crying out loud. They want to live a simple life yet they've been drawn into the spotlight. I know that you live the swinging lifestyle of the professional bicycle racer what with your beer and Jack Daniels, but they didn't want this. Call your mom.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Friday, July 21, 2006
Writing Ed's Oracle
I'm writing a novel. The working title is Ed's Oracle. If you've read much of this blog, you'll probably be surprised to learn that it is not about bikes or politics. It's hard to describe (unfortunately, publishers hate that) but try to imagine The DaVinci Code in Mayberry with a pinch of The X-Files thrown in for good measure.
I wrote the first draft nearly two years ago as part of NANOWRIMO, National Novel Writing Month. This is an online challenge of sorts to write 50,000 words within one month. I've done some of the rewrite, but that has stalled a bit. I'm hoping that making a public commitment to finish it will put enough pressure on me to make it happen. So, it would help if a few folks would bug me about it every now and then. I'll post updates, and maybe some excerpts, here for those who are interested in following along.
I wrote the first draft nearly two years ago as part of NANOWRIMO, National Novel Writing Month. This is an online challenge of sorts to write 50,000 words within one month. I've done some of the rewrite, but that has stalled a bit. I'm hoping that making a public commitment to finish it will put enough pressure on me to make it happen. So, it would help if a few folks would bug me about it every now and then. I'll post updates, and maybe some excerpts, here for those who are interested in following along.
Now THAT'S What I'm Talking About!
Well done. I can only assume that Floyd Landis reads my blog and was inspired by my comments about what makes a True Champion. In fact, I'm guessing that he purposely lost 10 minutes yesterday just so he could come storming back today. Apparently, the OLN guys follow my blog as well because after the race, Bobke proclaimed Landis to be a "True Champion."
It's been an exciting Tour, and I hope that Landis wins it all. He showed True Champion form today. That was an epic attack if I've ever seen one. Bravo.
It's been an exciting Tour, and I hope that Landis wins it all. He showed True Champion form today. That was an epic attack if I've ever seen one. Bravo.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
More on the True Champion
I watched today's stage. I guess that's that. Rasmussen, although he won't win this year's Tour, rode with great courage. So, did Levi Leipheimer. Instead of being content with his position and riding conservatively, he attacked. In the end, it didn't work, and he ended the stage in the same position in which he started. Still, he gave it a shot, I have to give him credit. To me, that is what the Tour is about. Lay it all out there and see what happens.
Sastre attacked as well. It might not have been as bold as what Rasmussen or Leipheimer did, but it bought him some time against the other contenders. Well done, Carlos. What will happen next? Who the hell knows?
Sastre attacked as well. It might not have been as bold as what Rasmussen or Leipheimer did, but it bought him some time against the other contenders. Well done, Carlos. What will happen next? Who the hell knows?
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Where Is the New Tour Champion?
I’ve been disappointed with this year’s Tour de France. At the end of the race, there will be a winner, but, so far, there’s no champion. A true champion wins with confidence and courage. There have been no epic, merciless attacks. Instead, each contender appears to be overly conservative, afraid to lose time rather than anxious to gain time.
It’s true that Lance Armstrong’s Postal and Discovery squads perfected the tactic of gradually increasing the pace in the mountains until a small, elite group remained on the final climb. Several teams appear to be employing this strategy, but they have forgotten that once Armstrong had the lead group small enough, he attacked.
Jan Ullrich, seemingly a perpetual second to Armstrong, still tried to attack his foe. He was not going to lose the race without a fight. Others, like Pantani, Virenque, and Vinokourov, appeared fearless and attacked against all odds. Often, after an attack failed, they would attack again. Then again. Then again.
The current Yellow Jersey, Floyd Landis, does not attack. When he somehow finds himself ahead of the other contenders, he nervously looks over his shoulder as if inviting them along. Boring. To be a true champion, just once Landis will have to look over his shoulder, sneer, and put the hammer down. If his attack fails, attack again. If in the end someone else was faster, then at least he gave his all.
A true champion of the Tour earns it. He throws down the gauntlet, gives his best, and lets the chips fall where they may. Playing a statistical chess match might earn the victory, but it does not make a champion.
It’s true that Lance Armstrong’s Postal and Discovery squads perfected the tactic of gradually increasing the pace in the mountains until a small, elite group remained on the final climb. Several teams appear to be employing this strategy, but they have forgotten that once Armstrong had the lead group small enough, he attacked.
Jan Ullrich, seemingly a perpetual second to Armstrong, still tried to attack his foe. He was not going to lose the race without a fight. Others, like Pantani, Virenque, and Vinokourov, appeared fearless and attacked against all odds. Often, after an attack failed, they would attack again. Then again. Then again.
The current Yellow Jersey, Floyd Landis, does not attack. When he somehow finds himself ahead of the other contenders, he nervously looks over his shoulder as if inviting them along. Boring. To be a true champion, just once Landis will have to look over his shoulder, sneer, and put the hammer down. If his attack fails, attack again. If in the end someone else was faster, then at least he gave his all.
A true champion of the Tour earns it. He throws down the gauntlet, gives his best, and lets the chips fall where they may. Playing a statistical chess match might earn the victory, but it does not make a champion.
Friday, July 07, 2006
More About False Patriots
I received several comments about my Beware the False Patriots post suggesting that it was simply a partisan attack on the current administration. That was not my intent. False Patriots abound in all three branches of government and in both major parties. In fact, it has become apparent that money is the overriding value for many Americans. The current popularity Chinese-manufactured goods is a perfect example. How many are content to live with the oppression of workers by a totalitarian government as long as it means cheap consumer goods here in the US? The True Patriot would not stand for it. The True Patriot believes that certain values are more important than money. What do you think?
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Beware the False Patriots
Today is the Fourth of July, a great opportunity to reflect upon what it means to be an American. Certain values, such as liberty, justice, equality, and democracy, have long defined what is unique about the American experiment. These values were outlined in the Declaration of Independence and US Constitution and then elaborated upon by many True Patriots over the years.
It is now apparent that the United States has fallen to the False Patriots. These are people who cloak them selves in the flag while peppering their oratory with the words of the True Patriots. However, their actions reveal their true selves.
The False Patriots place security above the right to legal counsel and due process. They believe that it is appropriate to detain individuals, even American citizens, indefinitely, secretly, and without access to our legal system. The False Patriots claim that is because those detained are terrorists, but they cannot make such a claim without first rejecting the belief that all are presumed innocent until proven guilty. In addition, the secrecy of their actions makes abuse possible, even likely. Political foes can be swept up just as easily as those suspected of criminal activity.
The False Patriots believe in torture. In doing so, they reject individual dignity as well as various federal and international prohibitions against inhumane treatment.
The False Patriots reject democracy and equality. They will claim the contrary, but this only holds true as long as those exercising democracy choose in accordance with their wishes. The False Patriots reject an equal voice of non-Americans in the United Nations. They reject the voice of any country that disagrees with US foreign policy and even participated in the overthrow of the democratically-elected government of Haiti.
The False Patriots do not believe in the constitutional system of checks and balances. They have used the “signature statement” to effectively veto legislation over 700 times in the past six years. Unlike a veto, Congress cannot override the blocking of legislation in this manner. The False Patriots have also argued, unsuccessfully, that the United States Supreme Court has no jurisdiction over military handling of detainees.
The False Patriots believe in spying on American citizens. They have listened to telephone conversations, examined financial and communications records, and monitored purchases. Perhaps more importantly, they have circumvented the checks that have been put in place to prevent abuse of our surveillance resources.
Some have argued that there is no “foul” in this type of spying. They say that those who are doing no wrong have nothing to fear. Yet, the American concept of liberty holds that one should be free from such government scrutiny. The False Patriots have installed thousands of security and police cameras in public places across the country, but the True Patriot believes in the value of being able to walk down the street without Big Brother looking over one’s shoulder.
And that is what we have, Big Brother. Taken individually, each of the above actions is a strong statement against the values that America holds dear. Taken together, they create an Orwellian nightmare where our Constitution has been shredded and the ideals of our forefathers dashed.
It is easy to tell how one’s values are prioritized when they come into conflict. Choosing security over liberty is not inherently wrong, but it does illustrate an attempt to redefine what it means to be an American. What makes America unique is that we place values such as liberty, justice, equality, and democracy above all others.
So, let the True Patriots rise and begin the task of taking back the country. Happy Fourth of July!
It is now apparent that the United States has fallen to the False Patriots. These are people who cloak them selves in the flag while peppering their oratory with the words of the True Patriots. However, their actions reveal their true selves.
The False Patriots place security above the right to legal counsel and due process. They believe that it is appropriate to detain individuals, even American citizens, indefinitely, secretly, and without access to our legal system. The False Patriots claim that is because those detained are terrorists, but they cannot make such a claim without first rejecting the belief that all are presumed innocent until proven guilty. In addition, the secrecy of their actions makes abuse possible, even likely. Political foes can be swept up just as easily as those suspected of criminal activity.
The False Patriots believe in torture. In doing so, they reject individual dignity as well as various federal and international prohibitions against inhumane treatment.
The False Patriots reject democracy and equality. They will claim the contrary, but this only holds true as long as those exercising democracy choose in accordance with their wishes. The False Patriots reject an equal voice of non-Americans in the United Nations. They reject the voice of any country that disagrees with US foreign policy and even participated in the overthrow of the democratically-elected government of Haiti.
The False Patriots do not believe in the constitutional system of checks and balances. They have used the “signature statement” to effectively veto legislation over 700 times in the past six years. Unlike a veto, Congress cannot override the blocking of legislation in this manner. The False Patriots have also argued, unsuccessfully, that the United States Supreme Court has no jurisdiction over military handling of detainees.
The False Patriots believe in spying on American citizens. They have listened to telephone conversations, examined financial and communications records, and monitored purchases. Perhaps more importantly, they have circumvented the checks that have been put in place to prevent abuse of our surveillance resources.
Some have argued that there is no “foul” in this type of spying. They say that those who are doing no wrong have nothing to fear. Yet, the American concept of liberty holds that one should be free from such government scrutiny. The False Patriots have installed thousands of security and police cameras in public places across the country, but the True Patriot believes in the value of being able to walk down the street without Big Brother looking over one’s shoulder.
And that is what we have, Big Brother. Taken individually, each of the above actions is a strong statement against the values that America holds dear. Taken together, they create an Orwellian nightmare where our Constitution has been shredded and the ideals of our forefathers dashed.
It is easy to tell how one’s values are prioritized when they come into conflict. Choosing security over liberty is not inherently wrong, but it does illustrate an attempt to redefine what it means to be an American. What makes America unique is that we place values such as liberty, justice, equality, and democracy above all others.
So, let the True Patriots rise and begin the task of taking back the country. Happy Fourth of July!
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Best of Tullio's, Continued
Best Rear Derailleur - SunTour Superbe and Cyclone (first generation)Best Americana-Roots-Country-Folk-Blues-Rock Band - The Band
Best Storytelling-Revival Preaching-Sideshow Hawking-Folk Singing-Earth Shaking-Rock and Roll Band - Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band (Somebody say "Amen!")
Best Concert Film - (tie) The Last Waltz (The Band, Martin Scorsese) and Stop Making Sense (Talking Heads, Jonathan Demme)
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Brains, Barf, Bikes, and Books
Long time, no post. Here are some of the things occupying my time lately:
Brain – I’ve suffered migraines for a long time, and I’ve had some doozies lately. The last one laid me up for two days and was starting on day three before it subsided. It’s very hard to describe this type of headache to someone who has never experienced one. The discomfort can become so great that no drug or treatment can help. It even becomes impossible to remain still as your body struggles to find some position that offers relief.
I’ve been reading a book called Heal Your Headache by David Buchholz, MD. Buchholz suggests that many of the migraine treatments prescribed by doctors are counter-productive (surprise, surprise). He recommends avoiding problem medications and following a trigger-free diet. The diet is fairly restrictive, but I’m willing to try just about anything to find some relief.
Barf – All prospective parents should be taught about the “Three P’s:” pee, poop, and puke. If you have kids, all three will get on you sooner or later. My littlest, Jack, is 11-months-old and just had the flu. This makes life fairly exciting for a parent. Sick children can propel various bodily fluids at great velocity over significant distances. Don’t ever think that you are out of the range of fire. This particular episode only resulted in getting barfed on, but there was lots of laundry to do.
Bikes – The business. Between Heron and Tullio’s I’m keeping busy, but I’m also going through one of those periodic reviews where I look at what works and what doesn’t. Do more of the same or change course a bit? The business is good enough to sustain itself but not good enough to really earn some dough. That’s a dangerous place to be. If you were losing money, you’d be inclined to change what you were doing right away. Surviving can make you complacent.
Books – In 2004, I discovered NANOWRIMO, National Novel Writing Month. Foolishly encouraged by the challenge of writing 50,000 words in 30 days, I signed up and now have a manuscript. This dubious achievement raised my self-esteem to dangerous levels and, eventually, thoughts of actually publishing this thing began to enter my head. Fortunately, the process of revising the manuscript has brought me back to reality. It’s a lot harder than writing the first draft.
Still, I want to continue working on it, but what with babies barfing on me, selling frames, and placing icepacks on my head while wondering if my brain actually can explode I rarely have any time to do so. Of course, this brings on fantasies of shutting down Heron and Tullio’s to focus on writing. This is when my wife reminds me that nobody has paid me to write anything yet, and until they do, I might want to keep my day job.
Darn reality.
Brain – I’ve suffered migraines for a long time, and I’ve had some doozies lately. The last one laid me up for two days and was starting on day three before it subsided. It’s very hard to describe this type of headache to someone who has never experienced one. The discomfort can become so great that no drug or treatment can help. It even becomes impossible to remain still as your body struggles to find some position that offers relief.
I’ve been reading a book called Heal Your Headache by David Buchholz, MD. Buchholz suggests that many of the migraine treatments prescribed by doctors are counter-productive (surprise, surprise). He recommends avoiding problem medications and following a trigger-free diet. The diet is fairly restrictive, but I’m willing to try just about anything to find some relief.
Barf – All prospective parents should be taught about the “Three P’s:” pee, poop, and puke. If you have kids, all three will get on you sooner or later. My littlest, Jack, is 11-months-old and just had the flu. This makes life fairly exciting for a parent. Sick children can propel various bodily fluids at great velocity over significant distances. Don’t ever think that you are out of the range of fire. This particular episode only resulted in getting barfed on, but there was lots of laundry to do.
Bikes – The business. Between Heron and Tullio’s I’m keeping busy, but I’m also going through one of those periodic reviews where I look at what works and what doesn’t. Do more of the same or change course a bit? The business is good enough to sustain itself but not good enough to really earn some dough. That’s a dangerous place to be. If you were losing money, you’d be inclined to change what you were doing right away. Surviving can make you complacent.
Books – In 2004, I discovered NANOWRIMO, National Novel Writing Month. Foolishly encouraged by the challenge of writing 50,000 words in 30 days, I signed up and now have a manuscript. This dubious achievement raised my self-esteem to dangerous levels and, eventually, thoughts of actually publishing this thing began to enter my head. Fortunately, the process of revising the manuscript has brought me back to reality. It’s a lot harder than writing the first draft.
Still, I want to continue working on it, but what with babies barfing on me, selling frames, and placing icepacks on my head while wondering if my brain actually can explode I rarely have any time to do so. Of course, this brings on fantasies of shutting down Heron and Tullio’s to focus on writing. This is when my wife reminds me that nobody has paid me to write anything yet, and until they do, I might want to keep my day job.
Darn reality.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Tullio's Essential Reading List, Part Two
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain. The Great American Novel. It’s hard to overstate the importance of this book. It reads today as a modern novel because it, along with The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, defined the modern novel. Originally published in 1884, it forever changed how fiction would be written in America. It is still a wildly entertaining story for kids and adults. If you haven’t read it since you were a child, take another look.
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson. If Mark Twain defined the modern novel, then Hunter S. Thompson defined, uh, something. A groundbreaking book in its own right, it spawned quite a few imitators. However, nobody has come close to matching this it. Thompson leaves readers wondering if he actually lived these adventures or just imagined them. The answer doesn’t really matter because it’s pretty impressive either way. Just don’t blame me if you get chased by giant bats.
Second Treatise of Government by John Locke. If you want to really understand what the Founding Fathers meant by “liberty,” you need to read this book. With this text, Locke jumped into the centuries old debate begun by Plato in The Republic and continued by Aristotle, Cicero, Machiavelli, and others about the proper role of government in society. Taking this debate to new territory, he developed a philosophy of government that inspired the American Revolution and United States Constitution. It will also shed some light on how Locke’s vision has largely disappeared in modern America.
The Power of Myth by Joseph Campbell. Joseph Campbell was the twentieth century’s premier scholar of mythology. He studied how man, over the course of history, has built his social institutions and beliefs upon shared stories. This book came from hours of interviews done by Bill Moyers for the PBS television series of the same name. This book provides the clearest description of how we developed socially, morally, and spiritually that I’ve ever read. In order to understand the human race, you need to understand its mythology. In order to understand its mythology, you need Joseph Campbell.
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson. If Mark Twain defined the modern novel, then Hunter S. Thompson defined, uh, something. A groundbreaking book in its own right, it spawned quite a few imitators. However, nobody has come close to matching this it. Thompson leaves readers wondering if he actually lived these adventures or just imagined them. The answer doesn’t really matter because it’s pretty impressive either way. Just don’t blame me if you get chased by giant bats.
Second Treatise of Government by John Locke. If you want to really understand what the Founding Fathers meant by “liberty,” you need to read this book. With this text, Locke jumped into the centuries old debate begun by Plato in The Republic and continued by Aristotle, Cicero, Machiavelli, and others about the proper role of government in society. Taking this debate to new territory, he developed a philosophy of government that inspired the American Revolution and United States Constitution. It will also shed some light on how Locke’s vision has largely disappeared in modern America.
The Power of Myth by Joseph Campbell. Joseph Campbell was the twentieth century’s premier scholar of mythology. He studied how man, over the course of history, has built his social institutions and beliefs upon shared stories. This book came from hours of interviews done by Bill Moyers for the PBS television series of the same name. This book provides the clearest description of how we developed socially, morally, and spiritually that I’ve ever read. In order to understand the human race, you need to understand its mythology. In order to understand its mythology, you need Joseph Campbell.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
A Sample Heron Rally Component List
I recently posted a list of Suggested Touring Bicycle Components in response to a number of requests for recommendations about how to build up my Heron Wayfarer frames. I am now in the process of putting together a Heron Rally in the shop, and I thought that a list of components used on that bike would make a nice companion post.
This bike is being built for a customer who lives in an area with steep, but not exceptionally long, hills. The goal is to build something that is durable, comfortable, and versatile. Loads will generally be light, and any touring will be done as part of supported rides.
Frame and Fork – Heron Rally
Headset – Stronglight A9
Stem – Nitto Dynamic
Handlebars – Nitto Model 177
Bar Tape – Specialized Bar Phat
Seatpost – Nitto Crystal Fellow
Saddle – Terry Fly
Front Hub – Shimano 105, 32H
Rear Hub – Shimano Ultegra, 36H
Rims – Velocity Fusion
Spokes – DT Competition with brass nipples
Rim Tape – Velox
Tires – Panaracer Pasela Tourguard 700x28, aramid bead
Tubes – Specialized
Brake Levers – Tektro R200A
Brake Calipers – Tektro R730 (47-57 mm reach)
Shifters – Shimano 9-speed Bar-End
Front Derailleur – Shimano Ultegra triple
Rear Derailleur – Shimano XT SGS
Cassette – Shimano Deore LX, 11-34T
Chain – SRAM PC-951
Crank – Campagnolo Centaur, 50-40-30T
Bottom Bracket – Campagnolo Centaur
Pedals – MKS GR9 Touring Platform
Weight as built: 22.5 pounds
Friday, June 02, 2006
Tullio's Essential Reading List, Part One
How to Read a Book by Mortimer J. Adler. When you think of “Great Books,” you should think of Mortimer Adler. Adler was a prolific writer and significant contributor to the fields of philosophy and education. While at the University of Chicago, he developed the Great Books of the Western World program that has been copied and expanded the world over. How to Read a Book is a great introduction to Adler’s thoughts on education as well as a primer on how to gain the most from each book that you read.
Profiles of Courage by John F. Kennedy. Written while a US Senator, this book is Kennedy’s tribute to eight extraordinary Senators who came before him. Fans of the television show The West Wing will recognize their idealism. These men risked their political careers to stand up for what they believed was right. It is easy to become cynical about our elected leaders yet here is some cause for optimism. The book offers just a glimpse of how things could be and is an inspiration as a result.
The Republic by Plato. For over 2000 years, there has been a discussion about justice and the proper role of government. That discussion starts here. While men certainly discussed and wrote about these subjects before Plato, he was the one who laid the foundation of work later continued by scholars such as Aristotle, Machiavelli, and Locke. Those seeking to become a philosopher-king need to read this book very carefully.
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig. If you haven’t read this, you need to. It’s a hard book to describe. What starts as a cross-country motorcycle journey becomes an introduction to philosophy. The book is compelling yet very informative. It should be required reading for every graduate student.
More to come.
Profiles of Courage by John F. Kennedy. Written while a US Senator, this book is Kennedy’s tribute to eight extraordinary Senators who came before him. Fans of the television show The West Wing will recognize their idealism. These men risked their political careers to stand up for what they believed was right. It is easy to become cynical about our elected leaders yet here is some cause for optimism. The book offers just a glimpse of how things could be and is an inspiration as a result.
The Republic by Plato. For over 2000 years, there has been a discussion about justice and the proper role of government. That discussion starts here. While men certainly discussed and wrote about these subjects before Plato, he was the one who laid the foundation of work later continued by scholars such as Aristotle, Machiavelli, and Locke. Those seeking to become a philosopher-king need to read this book very carefully.
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig. If you haven’t read this, you need to. It’s a hard book to describe. What starts as a cross-country motorcycle journey becomes an introduction to philosophy. The book is compelling yet very informative. It should be required reading for every graduate student.
More to come.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
18th Annual Chicago L.A.T.E. Ride
Join 9,000 bicyclists for McDonald's L.A.T.E. Ride on Saturday night/Sunday morning July 16th, Chicago's ONLY after-midnight recreational ride. Cycle past skyscrapers, hear shouts of "Opaah!" in Greek Town, cruise North Side neighborhoods, and experience the lakefront path under the stars! People of all fitness levels can participate. T-shirt, rest stop snacks, and breakfast included. Website: www.lateride.org. E-mail address: lateride@hotmail.com. Rider fees of $35-40 ($20-25 for volunteers) benefit Friends of the Parks' citywide parks advocacy work in Chicago.
[courtesy of Friends of the Parks]
[courtesy of Friends of the Parks]
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Dante on Neutrality
The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who, in a time of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality.
-Dante
-Dante
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Suggested Touring Bicycle Component List
I am often asked for a recommended list of components for a loaded touring bike. This is what I typically suggest. All of the equipment on this list is currently available.
Rear Hub – Phil Wood or Shimano XT. Phil Wood is the best and is available in a wide variety of configurations. However, it’s expensive. Shimano XT is nearly as good for a lot less money. The 135 mm OLD spacing allows the wheel to be built with less dish for more durability.
Front Hub – Schmidt SON dynamo, Phil Wood, or Shimano XT. I like the dynamo hub a lot. It always helps to have a light available. You never know when you might need it. With a dynamo, you don’t have to worry about whether your batteries are charged. The Schmidt hub is very high quality and low drag. It matches the look of the Phil hubs.
Headlight – Schmidt E6 or Lumotec. These are top lights, and the Lumotecs are available in several configurations.
Rims – Velocity Dyad or Sun CR18 (polished). The Velocity rims are generally powder-coated, and the CR18 is polished. This means no anodizing to cause cracking around the eyelets. Both rims are very strong. The CR18 has a bit more traditional look.
Spokes – 14/15 swaged with brass nipples. Swaged (double-butted) spokes create a more durable wheel than straight gauge as the stress is moved to the center of the spoke away from the elbow and threads where the spoke is more likely to break. No need to mess with aluminum nipples on a tourer.
Tire – Panaracer Pasela Tourguard. There are lots of good touring tires, but I like these a lot. The new Pasela tread pattern rides great, and the Tourguard version offers a kevlar belt under the tread for protection against glass cuts.
Tube – Specialized Airlock. These are sealant-filled tubes, similar to Slime. While kevlar belts protect against cuts, they don’t do much for punctures since a thorn or tack can slide through the weave of the kevlar fabric. The sealant will fill most puncture holes. Since the sealant won’t work on large holes like those caused by glass cuts, these tubes work well in conjunction with the kevlar-belted tires.
Bottom Bracket – Phil Wood. The best.
Crank – Sugino XD600, 46/36/24T. This crank is often overlooked because it is relatively inexpensive. However, it is a quality, cold-forged crank. It comes stock with gearing that is suitable for touring. However, the standard inner chainring is a 26T. So, I generally swap this out for a 24T.
Cassette – Shimano LX 9-speed 11-34T. Essentially the same as the XT cassette but without the expensive aluminum carrier. Since weight isn’t that critical on a touring bike, this is a good place to save a little money.
Chain – SRAM PC-951 9-speed chain. A good basic chain that shifts well and is durable. You can spend a lot more but won’t gain much.
Skewers – Shimano. What you want is a steel shaft and an internal cam mechanism. These will hold your wheels tight with little chance of slippage.
Seatpost – Nitto Crystal Fellow or Jaguar, Salsa Shaft. The Nitto posts are strong and beautiful. The Crystal Fellow has a single bolt clamp. The Jaguar has a double bolt clamp. Both work great, but some larger riders prefer the Jaguar to eliminate the chance of slippage. The Salsa Shaft post doesn’t look as good as the Nittos but is excellent functionally.
Saddle – Brooks B17. Saddle selection is fairly personal, but the B17 is consistently our most popular touring saddle. For most folks, it is all-day comfortable. It’s available in several configurations.
Headset – Chris King 2-Nut or Stronglight A9. Chris King is the best but pretty darn expensive. The Stronglight A9 is one of the all-time classic headsets. It’s very durable, easily serviceable, and costs less than one-third what the King costs.
Stem – Nitto Pearl. Cold-forged and beautiful. The best production quill stem available.
Handlebars – Nitto (any model). Nitto bars are very strong and beautiful. They make a number of different models to suit individual tastes. Sometimes, they are hard to find. If you can’t find one, look at the Salsa Moto Ace bars. They are strong and inexpensive but don’t offer much for looks.
Brake Levers – Shimano R400 or Tektro R200A. These Shimano levers are among the best ever. Don’t bother with the much more expensive R600 models because they are the same except for cosmetics. Some riders like the feel of the new Tektro levers better than the Shimanos. They are copies of the Campagnolo lever but cost much less and still work great. If you like this lever, you can spend a bit more to get the Cane Creek version with lizard logos.
Shifters – Shimano 9-speed Bar-End. Bar-end shifters work with just about any front derailleur. Shimano’s STI shifters will not index properly with the MTB front derailleurs necessary to shift across touring-sized chainrings. Plus, bar-end shifters are far simpler and, thus, more reliable. In the unlikely event of a failure, the shifters can often still be operated in friction mode.
Brakes – Shimano R550 Cantilever. Forget the hard-to-adjust cantilevers of the past. Most of the new models are a cinch to adjust. The R550s have very little slop in the pivots and come with good, if not great, pads. The Tektro Oryx brakes are pretty good, too, but have a lot more slop. The Avids tend to squeal no matter how they are adjusted. The Pauls work well and look great but are a lot more expensive than the Shimanos without offering any real performance advantages. All of the brakes can be upgraded with KoolStop salmon-compound pads.
Front Derailleur – Shimano LX (sized for 46T chainring). The LX derailleur is nice because it is available in a configuration that is suitable for 46T chainrings. Most front derailleurs are similar in performance, weight, and durability.
Rear Derailleur – Shimano XT SGS. This derailleur essentially works the same as the much more expensive XTR derailleur without all the lightweight bits. It’s strong, durable, and shifts across the 11-34T cassette very well.
Rear Rack – Tubus Cargo. Tubus offers outstanding production racks. They are light and very stiff. Many racks on the market today lack the lateral triangulation of the Tubus racks. So, they are often heavier while being a lot more flexible. You can step up to the stainless steel Tubus racks, but since they aren’t polished, you don’t gain a lot cosmetically.
Front Rack – Tubus Tara Lowrider. See above.
Panniers – Arkel GT18/GT54 or Carradice Super C. Arkel and Carradice both make excellent panniers. The Arkels feature many compartments and use the latest high-tech fabrics. Carradice uses one main compartment that allows you to separate items with stuff sacks. They also use cotton duck fabric that is remarkably water-resistant. Two different philosophies but both companies make great bags.
Saddlebag – Carradice Camper Longflap or Super C. Saddlebags are often overlooked, but they are a great way to carry extra gear. I use the large side pockets to carry extra water bottles, and I can reach them while riding. Both of these bags are similar. Both are made from cotton duck. The Camper uses tradition leather straps and metals buckles while the Super C uses nylon straps and plastic buckles.
Fenders – SKS Plastic or Berthoud Stainless. The SKS fenders are easy to install and work great. The Berthoud fenders are difficult to install, look fantastic, and offer a bit more coverage than the SKS fenders. I use both and am happy with both. If you tour, you need fenders.
Rear Hub – Phil Wood or Shimano XT. Phil Wood is the best and is available in a wide variety of configurations. However, it’s expensive. Shimano XT is nearly as good for a lot less money. The 135 mm OLD spacing allows the wheel to be built with less dish for more durability.
Front Hub – Schmidt SON dynamo, Phil Wood, or Shimano XT. I like the dynamo hub a lot. It always helps to have a light available. You never know when you might need it. With a dynamo, you don’t have to worry about whether your batteries are charged. The Schmidt hub is very high quality and low drag. It matches the look of the Phil hubs.
Headlight – Schmidt E6 or Lumotec. These are top lights, and the Lumotecs are available in several configurations.
Rims – Velocity Dyad or Sun CR18 (polished). The Velocity rims are generally powder-coated, and the CR18 is polished. This means no anodizing to cause cracking around the eyelets. Both rims are very strong. The CR18 has a bit more traditional look.
Spokes – 14/15 swaged with brass nipples. Swaged (double-butted) spokes create a more durable wheel than straight gauge as the stress is moved to the center of the spoke away from the elbow and threads where the spoke is more likely to break. No need to mess with aluminum nipples on a tourer.
Tire – Panaracer Pasela Tourguard. There are lots of good touring tires, but I like these a lot. The new Pasela tread pattern rides great, and the Tourguard version offers a kevlar belt under the tread for protection against glass cuts.
Tube – Specialized Airlock. These are sealant-filled tubes, similar to Slime. While kevlar belts protect against cuts, they don’t do much for punctures since a thorn or tack can slide through the weave of the kevlar fabric. The sealant will fill most puncture holes. Since the sealant won’t work on large holes like those caused by glass cuts, these tubes work well in conjunction with the kevlar-belted tires.
Bottom Bracket – Phil Wood. The best.
Crank – Sugino XD600, 46/36/24T. This crank is often overlooked because it is relatively inexpensive. However, it is a quality, cold-forged crank. It comes stock with gearing that is suitable for touring. However, the standard inner chainring is a 26T. So, I generally swap this out for a 24T.
Cassette – Shimano LX 9-speed 11-34T. Essentially the same as the XT cassette but without the expensive aluminum carrier. Since weight isn’t that critical on a touring bike, this is a good place to save a little money.
Chain – SRAM PC-951 9-speed chain. A good basic chain that shifts well and is durable. You can spend a lot more but won’t gain much.
Skewers – Shimano. What you want is a steel shaft and an internal cam mechanism. These will hold your wheels tight with little chance of slippage.
Seatpost – Nitto Crystal Fellow or Jaguar, Salsa Shaft. The Nitto posts are strong and beautiful. The Crystal Fellow has a single bolt clamp. The Jaguar has a double bolt clamp. Both work great, but some larger riders prefer the Jaguar to eliminate the chance of slippage. The Salsa Shaft post doesn’t look as good as the Nittos but is excellent functionally.
Saddle – Brooks B17. Saddle selection is fairly personal, but the B17 is consistently our most popular touring saddle. For most folks, it is all-day comfortable. It’s available in several configurations.
Headset – Chris King 2-Nut or Stronglight A9. Chris King is the best but pretty darn expensive. The Stronglight A9 is one of the all-time classic headsets. It’s very durable, easily serviceable, and costs less than one-third what the King costs.
Stem – Nitto Pearl. Cold-forged and beautiful. The best production quill stem available.
Handlebars – Nitto (any model). Nitto bars are very strong and beautiful. They make a number of different models to suit individual tastes. Sometimes, they are hard to find. If you can’t find one, look at the Salsa Moto Ace bars. They are strong and inexpensive but don’t offer much for looks.
Brake Levers – Shimano R400 or Tektro R200A. These Shimano levers are among the best ever. Don’t bother with the much more expensive R600 models because they are the same except for cosmetics. Some riders like the feel of the new Tektro levers better than the Shimanos. They are copies of the Campagnolo lever but cost much less and still work great. If you like this lever, you can spend a bit more to get the Cane Creek version with lizard logos.
Shifters – Shimano 9-speed Bar-End. Bar-end shifters work with just about any front derailleur. Shimano’s STI shifters will not index properly with the MTB front derailleurs necessary to shift across touring-sized chainrings. Plus, bar-end shifters are far simpler and, thus, more reliable. In the unlikely event of a failure, the shifters can often still be operated in friction mode.
Brakes – Shimano R550 Cantilever. Forget the hard-to-adjust cantilevers of the past. Most of the new models are a cinch to adjust. The R550s have very little slop in the pivots and come with good, if not great, pads. The Tektro Oryx brakes are pretty good, too, but have a lot more slop. The Avids tend to squeal no matter how they are adjusted. The Pauls work well and look great but are a lot more expensive than the Shimanos without offering any real performance advantages. All of the brakes can be upgraded with KoolStop salmon-compound pads.
Front Derailleur – Shimano LX (sized for 46T chainring). The LX derailleur is nice because it is available in a configuration that is suitable for 46T chainrings. Most front derailleurs are similar in performance, weight, and durability.
Rear Derailleur – Shimano XT SGS. This derailleur essentially works the same as the much more expensive XTR derailleur without all the lightweight bits. It’s strong, durable, and shifts across the 11-34T cassette very well.
Rear Rack – Tubus Cargo. Tubus offers outstanding production racks. They are light and very stiff. Many racks on the market today lack the lateral triangulation of the Tubus racks. So, they are often heavier while being a lot more flexible. You can step up to the stainless steel Tubus racks, but since they aren’t polished, you don’t gain a lot cosmetically.
Front Rack – Tubus Tara Lowrider. See above.
Panniers – Arkel GT18/GT54 or Carradice Super C. Arkel and Carradice both make excellent panniers. The Arkels feature many compartments and use the latest high-tech fabrics. Carradice uses one main compartment that allows you to separate items with stuff sacks. They also use cotton duck fabric that is remarkably water-resistant. Two different philosophies but both companies make great bags.
Saddlebag – Carradice Camper Longflap or Super C. Saddlebags are often overlooked, but they are a great way to carry extra gear. I use the large side pockets to carry extra water bottles, and I can reach them while riding. Both of these bags are similar. Both are made from cotton duck. The Camper uses tradition leather straps and metals buckles while the Super C uses nylon straps and plastic buckles.
Fenders – SKS Plastic or Berthoud Stainless. The SKS fenders are easy to install and work great. The Berthoud fenders are difficult to install, look fantastic, and offer a bit more coverage than the SKS fenders. I use both and am happy with both. If you tour, you need fenders.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Immigration Distraction
I believe the current national hysteria over immigration is a diversion. It’s nice emotional issue that will benefit certain politicians while taking the focus off of more important problems. This is nothing new. Making gay marriage an issue before the 2004 federal election ensured that evangelical Christians would come out to vote. Similarly, the months before the election saw many national terror alerts, some even questioned by then director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge. We’ve had no terror alerts since the election. Coincidence?
Nothing motivates people like fear, and today politicians are exploiting the fear of Mexicans. Never mind the fact that most undocumented immigrants get here by flying into a US airport, not by running across the border.
What exactly is the crisis that is so big that it justifies bringing out the National Guard? Folks in California and Arizona claim that these immigrants are a burden on their health care and social service systems. This is a problem with all immigration, legal or not, but the real issue here is with the wages, not immigration. If US citizens performed those same jobs earning those same wages, they would be an equal burden on the system. To solve this problem, we need to raise wages.
OK, so immigrants are costing the government money. Offering amnesty and collecting taxes on wages earned by these folks would be a start towards solving the financial side of the problem. The other options presented thus far don’t seem to offer much hope. Some in Congress want to deport all 12 million undocumented immigrants. We’ll need more than just the National Guard to accomplish that. That’s a pretty expensive plan and not very realistic. Similarly, the President’s plan to offer a tiered system of moving immigrants towards citizenship is not going to work if it relies on people volunteering to return to their home countries. They aren’t going anywhere.
Let’s keep in mind that the US is the richest country on earth. Are we really going to militarize our borders and take the national attention away from more pressing issues just to avoid a slight increase in the cost of our health and social services?
Yes, we are. Why? Because it makes a nice, emotional distraction from a war that isn’t going anywhere, detaining people without due process, torture, chemical weapons (ours), the lack of chemical weapons (Iraq’s), illegally spying on Americans, outing CIA agents, ignoring diplomacy, angering our allies, encouraging the growth of terrorism, and destroying the Constitution by overriding the will of Congress.
Nothing motivates people like fear, and today politicians are exploiting the fear of Mexicans. Never mind the fact that most undocumented immigrants get here by flying into a US airport, not by running across the border.
What exactly is the crisis that is so big that it justifies bringing out the National Guard? Folks in California and Arizona claim that these immigrants are a burden on their health care and social service systems. This is a problem with all immigration, legal or not, but the real issue here is with the wages, not immigration. If US citizens performed those same jobs earning those same wages, they would be an equal burden on the system. To solve this problem, we need to raise wages.
OK, so immigrants are costing the government money. Offering amnesty and collecting taxes on wages earned by these folks would be a start towards solving the financial side of the problem. The other options presented thus far don’t seem to offer much hope. Some in Congress want to deport all 12 million undocumented immigrants. We’ll need more than just the National Guard to accomplish that. That’s a pretty expensive plan and not very realistic. Similarly, the President’s plan to offer a tiered system of moving immigrants towards citizenship is not going to work if it relies on people volunteering to return to their home countries. They aren’t going anywhere.
Let’s keep in mind that the US is the richest country on earth. Are we really going to militarize our borders and take the national attention away from more pressing issues just to avoid a slight increase in the cost of our health and social services?
Yes, we are. Why? Because it makes a nice, emotional distraction from a war that isn’t going anywhere, detaining people without due process, torture, chemical weapons (ours), the lack of chemical weapons (Iraq’s), illegally spying on Americans, outing CIA agents, ignoring diplomacy, angering our allies, encouraging the growth of terrorism, and destroying the Constitution by overriding the will of Congress.
Friday, May 12, 2006
Wheel Thoughts Continued
Rim Eyelets – Many rims have eyelets which are visible as a “lip” around the edge of each spoke hole. Rims will come with no eyelets, single eyelets, or double eyelets. Rims with no eyelets have a simple hole through the wall of the rim for the spoke and spoke nipple to pass. Often, the edge of this hole is rough and must be filed smooth by the wheelbuilder. Such spoke holes can damage nipples, and, for this reason, I do not use aluminum nipples with such rims. Brass nipples are fine, but they still require rough edges to be filed smooth to prevent damage.
Rims with “single eyelets” have a separate, smooth ring placed into each spoke hole. This helps to prevent damage to spoke nipples and allows the nipples to turn easily.
Rims with “double eyelets” have a unique socket in which the nipple rests. This socket connects the exterior and interior walls of a double-wall rim to allow both to share the load from each spoke.
Rim Profiles – Rims come in a fairly wide variety of profiles, but most fit into single wall, box section, or aero categories. Most inexpensive rims are single wall rims. These can be steel or aluminum, and the cross-section of such a rim looks like the letter “U.” Single wall rims are generally not available with eyelets. Box section and aero rims with double walls cost a little more but increase the strength of the wheel greatly. For this reason, it is rare to see single wall rims on a handbuilt wheel.
Box section rims have both an interior and an exterior wall. A cross-section of such a rim looks much like a single wall rim with the addition of the second wall connecting the upright portions of the “U.” Box section rims are available with no eyelets, single eyelets, and double eyelets. A variation of the box section rim is the “triple box” section rim which adds to additional walls connecting the interior and exterior walls. The cross-section of these rims looks like a regular box section rim with the “box” divided into three smaller boxes. This design permits the interior and exterior walls to share the load in the same manner as the double eyelet.
Aero rims are generally tall and have a triangular cross section. They are not only more aerodynamic than box section or single wall rims, but they are generally quite strong as well. You will often see aero rims built with fewer spokes than box section rims. Aero rims are available with no eyelets or single eyelets, but double eyelets are uncommon.
Rim Anodizing – Most rims on the market today are anodized. Anodizing prevents aluminum rims from corroding. Alternate corrosion prevention treatments are polishing and powder coating. One side effect of anodizing is that it can make the surface of the aluminum more brittle. This effect is greater on rims that are “hard” anodized. These rims can usually be identified by their dark gray color. Some anodized rims will exhibit cracking of the rim around the spoke holes. The solution for some builders has been to use less spoke tension on rims with known issues. However, this technique results in a less durable wheel. For that reason, I do not recommend hard anodized rims and prefer polished or powder coated rims.
More to come . . .
Rims with “single eyelets” have a separate, smooth ring placed into each spoke hole. This helps to prevent damage to spoke nipples and allows the nipples to turn easily.
Rims with “double eyelets” have a unique socket in which the nipple rests. This socket connects the exterior and interior walls of a double-wall rim to allow both to share the load from each spoke.
Rim Profiles – Rims come in a fairly wide variety of profiles, but most fit into single wall, box section, or aero categories. Most inexpensive rims are single wall rims. These can be steel or aluminum, and the cross-section of such a rim looks like the letter “U.” Single wall rims are generally not available with eyelets. Box section and aero rims with double walls cost a little more but increase the strength of the wheel greatly. For this reason, it is rare to see single wall rims on a handbuilt wheel.
Box section rims have both an interior and an exterior wall. A cross-section of such a rim looks much like a single wall rim with the addition of the second wall connecting the upright portions of the “U.” Box section rims are available with no eyelets, single eyelets, and double eyelets. A variation of the box section rim is the “triple box” section rim which adds to additional walls connecting the interior and exterior walls. The cross-section of these rims looks like a regular box section rim with the “box” divided into three smaller boxes. This design permits the interior and exterior walls to share the load in the same manner as the double eyelet.
Aero rims are generally tall and have a triangular cross section. They are not only more aerodynamic than box section or single wall rims, but they are generally quite strong as well. You will often see aero rims built with fewer spokes than box section rims. Aero rims are available with no eyelets or single eyelets, but double eyelets are uncommon.
Rim Anodizing – Most rims on the market today are anodized. Anodizing prevents aluminum rims from corroding. Alternate corrosion prevention treatments are polishing and powder coating. One side effect of anodizing is that it can make the surface of the aluminum more brittle. This effect is greater on rims that are “hard” anodized. These rims can usually be identified by their dark gray color. Some anodized rims will exhibit cracking of the rim around the spoke holes. The solution for some builders has been to use less spoke tension on rims with known issues. However, this technique results in a less durable wheel. For that reason, I do not recommend hard anodized rims and prefer polished or powder coated rims.
More to come . . .
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
More More Best of Tullio's
Best Rhythm Guitar, Rock - Pete Townsend
Best Coen Brothers Movie - O Brother, Where Art Thou?
Second Best Coen Brothers Movie - Fargo
Best Banjo Picker - Earl Scruggs
Best Hammond B3 Player, Rock - Gregg Rolie (Santana years)
Best Cable Cutters - Felco C7
Best Chicago-Style Hot Dog Condiment - Celery Salt (but never, ever ketchup)
Best Coen Brothers Movie - O Brother, Where Art Thou?
Second Best Coen Brothers Movie - Fargo
Best Banjo Picker - Earl Scruggs
Best Hammond B3 Player, Rock - Gregg Rolie (Santana years)
Best Cable Cutters - Felco C7
Best Chicago-Style Hot Dog Condiment - Celery Salt (but never, ever ketchup)
Friday, May 05, 2006
Riding to Ralph's Farm
Here is an oldie but a goodie.
Riding to Ralph's Farm
by Todd Kuzma
Riding to Ralph's Farm
by Todd Kuzma
I finally got around to replacing the bulb in my Lumotec headlight. I hadn’t ridden at night in a while, so I thought that it was time for an evening spin on the bike. I left the house on the Heron Touring before sundown and headed out into a strong headwind. No sense fighting the wind on the way home in the dark. The downside was that I would cross the river and begin climbing the bluff through Starved Rock State Park within the first three miles. My asthmatic lungs preferred a bit longer warm-up than that. It usually took me about ten miles or so to be ready for a hard effort.
Fortunately, I managed to make it up and over the climb without an attack. The rolling country roads offered a small opportunity for recovery, but not a lot. Once out of the protective woods of the park, the headwinds were back and seemed worse than before. Still riding in my anaerobic haze, I saw a peculiar sight up the road. It was a large wooden structure that I had not seen before. Was I hallucinating? It’s possible. As I got closer, I realized that I was coming up on a piece of property I refer to as “the compound.”
“The compound” is Ralph’s farm. I’m not sure if Ralph is a militia member, but it wouldn’t surprise me. Ralph used to be fairly interested in cycling, and I got to know him through the local club. I went to several meetings at his house. It looked just like the set of the original black-and-white Lassie television series. There were always ducks and chickens and dogs running around plus a couple of his kids working on an old outboard motor clamped inside a barrel of water. His home had a wood-burning furnace controlled by a series of ropes and pulleys.
I was once on a ride with Ralph when he started talking politics. He had never brought up the subject with me before. I’ve heard it said that you don’t discuss politics or religion in polite company, and perhaps Ralph needed to know me for a while before he felt comfortable enough to break that rule. He started by explaining how “the Jew-bankers” ran the world and continued on to various international conspiracies involving international finance, royalty, and the Vatican. I just listened and tried not to make any sudden movements. After the speech wound down a little, I made an excuse to ride off home. I hadn’t talked to him since.
So, old Ralph was out in his field messing with this big wooden structure. As I rode by, I saw him back away from it and pull a rope. Slowly, a giant beam began to rotate. As it accelerated, I saw another rope attached to one end. At the end of this rope was some object, but I couldn’t tell what it was. At the top of the beam’s rotation, a ball emerged from the object and began to sail above the farm fields. The ball flew in a long, high arc for what appeared to be a half-mile.
Fortunately, it was early in the year, and no crops were in the field. This made it easier to see where the ball went (and apparently ensure that the landing area was free of geese, dogs, and kids). Finally, I recognized this contraption as a catapult. Specifically, it was a type of catapult called a trebuchet.
Ralph was a member of a local “taxpayers’ association.” This group was able to shut down a plan to introduce county-wide zoning and was taking aim at the building code ordinances. They believed that government had no right to say what anyone could or could not do on their own property.
I actually wound up at one of their meetings after I had read in the paper that they were opposing our county’s Greenway and Trails Plan. I happened to chair the county greenway and trail committee. If they were going to oppose my committee’s plan, I wanted to know why.
I entered the room where the meeting was held and introduced myself to a small group standing near the door. I was immediately recognized as an outsider, and the room went silent. Thirty or so pairs of eyes turned to me. Suddenly, I felt very alone. As the meeting began, I went to the top of the agenda. They laid out the scenario for me. See, I was just the local sucker that the “powers that be” would use to achieve their goals. Once the county approved our Greenway and Trails Plan, the state Department of Natural Resources would use it and my committee to begin seizing private property. This was because the state DNR was really an arm of the National Park Service, Sierra Club, and Nature Conservancy. They were all controlled, of course, by the United Nations. So, our little county trail plan was, in reality, part of an elaborate conspiracy to cede control of our country to the UN. A couple of members explained to me that the UN already controlled our public schools and national parks (thanks to Bill Clinton).
A conversation with these guys always had the potential for great entertainment, and that was not something to be underestimated!
Anyway, when I saw Ralph, I didn’t want to get into another discussion about Jew-bankers, but he DID have a catapult. How could I pass that up? Entertainment tonight! I rolled up to him and asked, “Hey, Ralph, what’s up with the catapult?”
“You like that, do you?” he asked gazing off into the distance.
“Pretty cool. What’s it for?”
“Well, you know how the gov’mint is trying to take away our right to bear arms?” Ralph was staring me right in the face and standing close enough for me to feel a little awkward.
“Um, yeah.” I answered cautiously.
“Well, the Second Goddamn Amendment says that ‘the right of the people to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed.’ Yet, I am not free to bear arms, am I? Sure, I can own some guns, but the Second Amendment doesn’t say anything about some arms being OK and others not OK. How am I supposed to protect myself against the gov’mint with a handgun? How about a rocket-propelled grenade? No, we can’t have that. Not allowed. But nobody said nothin’ about a catapult!”
“So, what’s it for?”
“Black helicopters,” he answered plainly.
“What!?!”
“The black helicopters that the gov’mint sends out here to check on us malcontents.” A fire began to grow in Ralph’s eyes.
“You’re going to shoot down a helicopter with a catapult?”
“I’m sure gonna try.”
He asked if I wanted to hang around and watch the skies with him. At the moment, he didn’t seem to regard me as an enemy, so it felt safe enough to hang around and see what else he might say. Besides, if the helicopters came, wouldn’t that be cool?
The sun was already below the horizon, and the sky was darkening. Ralph reloaded the catapult and fired another test shot. The contraption didn’t seem to be very maneuverable. I guess he was hoping that the helicopter would just happen to fly right in front of it.
We waited and scanned the skies, although I wasn’t quite sure what I was looking for. It had been dark about an hour, and I told Ralph that I had to go. I had used up a lot of riding time by hanging out in that field, and my wife would be looking for me soon. Plus, Ralph hadn’t said anything remotely funny in quite a while. As I swung my leg over the top tube, Ralph said, “Ssshh! They’re coming! You hear that?”
“No.” I shook my head.
“Exactly. You can’t hear them black helicopters. Totally silent.”
Apparently, they are hard to see as well. I looked all over the sky and couldn’t see a thing. Ralph was busy running around the catapult trying to ensure that it was ready to fire.
“They’re here! They’re here!”
He pulled the rope, and the beam began its slow rotation. The ball flew out into the darkness, and again I heard nothing. Suddenly, a light as bright as daylight shone down from directly above. With my eyes adjusted to the dark, I was blinded. I heard a “whoosh,” and the light was gone.
“Ralph! Ralph! Did you see that? What the hell was that?”
Silence.
“Ralph?”
I picked up the front of my bike and spun the front wheel. The hub dynamo sent enough current to get the headlight to glow dimly. I turned slowly around, illuminating the field while continuing to spin the wheel. Ralph was gone. OK, things were getting a little creepy. I hopped on my bike and began to sprint away. I almost went right off of the road as I stared into the blackness of the sky looking for whatever the heck that was. My heart was racing.
I don’t remember much about the ride home. I didn’t say anything to my wife. I was afraid of what she might say. Maybe she’d lean in close to see if I had little pinwheels where my pupils should be. I haven’t seen Ralph since that night, and I still haven’t seen a black helicopter. The catapult still sits in Ralph’s field, but now it is the catapult that waits for Ralph to return with or without his black helicopter friends.
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